No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. —C.S. Lewis
“We have an issue with the blood test. We are sending it to the lab,” he said.
“What is it?” I asked.
“Either mono or leukemia,” he said.
For twelve days, my prayer life went through the roof, as I struggled to find stability in a situation where I had no control, no certainty, and nothing on earth that could contain my fear. There was nowhere I could put my trust and expect return. Over and over I begged Jesus to do something, that He would be enough for me, that He would heal my heart as it was constantly being crushed with worry.
It was my son’s blood that was in question, after all. Our elementary-aged Cameron. His life was teetering on the brink of the unknown and there was nothing I could do about it.
Well, maybe one thing:
So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness. (Colossians 2:6-7)
God has given us a shield of faith, a defense against the flaming arrows of fear and doubt. Again and again we must lift it up to protect our hearts and minds. During those two weeks I was suspended in the fog of uncertainty and fear. During those days I learned to pray, “Jesus, I trust You with the next 30 minutes. I know a whole bunch of stuff is going to happen, and I give it to you.” 31 minutes later I’d add, “Jesus I give you the next 30 minutes….”
It’s not always easy to do. Sometimes, big problems affect my concentration. Sometimes I can’t even focus on the words I’m reading in my Bible. Instead of just fighting through it, I’ll take out my journal and I’ll write my thoughts down so I can capture them on the page and take them to Christ. “All right, Jesus, here’s what I’m scared of, worried about, concerned about, what needs to be fixed.” At the end I say, “Jesus, I’m officially giving this stuff to You. Be enough for me and take away my worry. Your will be done.”
After twelve days, Cameron’s blood showed that he had mono instead of leukemia. While we were hugely relieved, I learned again what it means to be fully honest with God, emotional with God, surrendered to God, resting in God.
Satan’s arrows will come. He HAS given you the shield of faith. Will you raise it over your heart and mind today?
Lord, many are saying of my soul, “There is no deliverance for him in God.” But You, O LORD, are a shield about me, My glory, and the One who lifts my head. I am crying to You, the LORD, with my voice. You have answered me from Your holy mountain. Selah.(from Psalm 3:3-4)